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| 11:09pm 29/01/2005 |
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| P | Profound | | H | Handy | | L | Lively | | U | Unusual | | I | Influential | | D | Dreamy | | M | Meek | | I | Irresistible | | N | Nerdy | | D | Dangerous |
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| 08:30am 27/01/2005 |
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so this is the bullshit that is my life :
i got accepted to Fredonia for music and sound production... but i didn't go. i went to RIT. half of the reason was because my parents were on the verge of getting a divorce. the other half was because i wanted to be here for Katherine (my ex) when she got back from boarding school. what did she do when she got back? went to Fredonia. then she went psycho, of course, but that's beside the point. so whatever, i take a year off then decide to come back to RIT. my major's been halted. no more new classes, just our ability to focus on whatever aspect we want. i've taken all the website design classes offered at this school. Now, i have nothing else to take but liberal arts. i go to sign up for classes today, and half of them i can't sign up for because in order to take an art class you need to be an art student. to take a science class you have to be a science student. i can't take the only astronomy course in this school. i can't take any creative writing courses. RIT is fucked, and i could be already well on my way to having a career in music, or at least being able to work in a recording studio.
so here i am, stressed to the max, not sure of what the fuck to do with my life, wishing already at the age of 21 that i had done something differently. now i'm going to go to a place that i'm pretty sure is reverse engineering the website i designed for them to see what the fuck is up with everything. woo life, woo not having slept yet, woo RIT, and double woo to feeling really shitty about spending money on new tables.
oh yeah, and my eyesight without my glasses is fucking horrible. just thought i'd let you know that. so if i was trapped on a desert island and my glasses broke, i'd be fucked. like Piggy in Lord of the Flies.
i'm definitely going to start drinking ASAP! |
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| 07:22pm 04/01/2005 |
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god, i'm fucking mediocre at everything. music, design, writing, drawing, everything i've ever tried to do i've been less than average in. it blows my mind that someone could have such interspersed skills, if you can call them that. a little bit here, a little bit there. i have enough to know what the fuck i'm doing, but not enough to be good at it. i'm feeling more and more like i have no place anywhere. unless someone can pay me to read books or watch movies. i'm losing faith in myself. i'm getting SUPER pissed...
i don't like when people stare at me as i'm walking to class. this is me, deal with it. fucking assholes. |
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| 01:23pm 29/12/2004 |
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ugh and all that.
jeremy and i spun what might have been the first decent mix in quite some time. (actually, his mixes are always on lock, i'm the one who fucks up all the time) so we're like "wee!" and we throw it on a cd and listen to it on the way to earthtones, where his girlfriend works. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's skipping.... of course, wishful thinking me was all "maybe it's just the cd, maybe it's the cold." but nope! it was the recording itself. the omni studio/compy interface latency was too low and it made the recording sound fast because there were these little skips in the recording where the data was gone. of course i didn't figure out it was the latency until WAY later, and we spent an hour doing everything we could think of (including deleting tons of shit off of my computer that i really wanted). at least i eventually figured it out, because i was set to sell shit and buy a new computer, or at least a new processor. 1.2 gig processor was the money four years ago, now it's obsolete. doom 3 (the demo version, mind you) will skip like mad for the first 10 minutes you're playing it. woodehoohoo, computers!
my xmas was funs. no one reads this journal. i got a lot of shit and i feel bad because i don't deserve any of it. my parents should take it all back and keep the money. i feel spoiled.
so i woke up and had an urge to go buy records at lakeshore... whiiiiiich lasted until i walked out of my room and by the studio, where i saw my records out of the corner of my eye and thought "new records won't make you stop sucking."
i miss florida. i miss tokyo, even though i've never been. i really really want to move, i want to do SOMETHING with my life, but i keep just messing things up and blah blah blah. jeremy's got all these ideas nad it looks like wastelock could take off very soon. however, i'm uber pessimistic about it and i feel like it won't work out. last thing i need in my life right now is another failure. i want to do something that will work. i want to get a story published in Asimov or some other scifi mag. i want to write a screenplay and have it made into a movie. i want to make music that will be put on soundtracks. i want to go back in time and go to film school so i can be a director. i want to have perfect skin and perfect teeth and a perfect body so i can be an actor. maybe my music career would've worked out long ago if i didn't look like a starving 12 year old british kid. no one would pay to see iggy pop spin at a club.
then again, maybe i just sucked all along and didn't even realize it. maybe i haven't gotten worse, but my disillusionment has lifted. i've been the same my whole life, same as my writing, producion, and design skills. i never get better or worse, i just stay the same. it's just that when i start, i'm so excited to actually be doing it that i feel i have a shot at being someone and blah blah blah. whatever, fuck it. i'm so sick of writing in here to myself and sounding like a depressed emo kid because i never talk about the good things. no one listens anymore.
klute was right. |
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| YOUR vs. YOU'RE - a guide for fucktards |
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| 06:49pm 27/10/2004 |
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Listen up, you shitfucks :
YOUR = posession, ownership, like commenting on YOUR car, YOUR dress, YOUR bad english.
YOU'RE = you are, such as YOU'RE hot, YOU'RE a good singer, and YOU'RE better at writing than me.
get it through YOUR heads, because YOU'RE driving me fucking nuts!!!!! |
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| 02:32am 23/10/2004 |
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ugh. so i get an email about xerohour's new club night, being hosted by apollo records. seriously, fuck everyone. i'm absolutely sick of this city and everyone in it. fuck them. fuck everyone.
fuck you if you're one of the ones who screwed me. |
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| 10:52pm 05/10/2004 |
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so i've made up my mind. when i graduate, i'm moving. i'm not sure if i'm moving to arizona or florida, but i'm most likely doing one of the two. i kinda wanted to check out england and see if things would work out there, but i'll wait a little bit. the chances of anything ever happening with my music in this place are slim to none. being in florida or arizona would make it a lot easier to get breaks. i definitely need to do this, i can't sit here thinking that it'll never happen anymore. i can't keep dragging myself down all the time. i need to free myself from every single bad memory this place holds, i need to go somewhere and start over completely. i don't want to feel empty anymore... |
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| 02:30am 25/09/2004 |
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god fucking damn it
what the fuck do i do now? |
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| 04:33am 22/09/2004 |
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me + panic attacks = not a happy camper |
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| 05:14am 10/09/2004 |
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i dunno what planet this shit came from, but normally when a download goes down to 0.0 minutes left to transfer, and then says "completed!", it DOESN'T decide to shoot back up and say 2.3 minutes left.... that's just ridiculous anti-science and i don't like it one bit. |
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| 10:31am 04/09/2004 |
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and out of nowhere, music's starting to just pour out of me again. this is kind of a good thing, except every track i've produced in the last couple weeks i've hated. that's about 4 that i've done and thrown away. i feel like shit because i can never sleep, and i think i've got a flu bug dealie. however, i woke the fuck up at 9:00 this morning because my hamster's water bottle was empty, and he just sat there clickin away, clickin away... but once i wake up, i'm up. no going back to sleep for me. i'm sure i'll pass out at 2:00 or something this afternoon if i don't throw up and die first. my cat eats special k. seriously. |
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| 04:06am 04/09/2004 |
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RoSsiBoy44: there;s this movie on right now
RoSsiBoy44: that's crazy
AccessToArasaka: what's it called?
RoSsiBoy44: some little black kid
RoSsiBoy44: dunno
AccessToArasaka: cop and a half??
RoSsiBoy44: perhaps
RoSsiBoy44: it's on TBS right now
AccessToArasaka: lemme go check and see
RoSsiBoy44: k
AccessToArasaka: mighty joe fuck, it is cop and a half
AccessToArasaka: i fucking guessed it from you just saying "little black kid"
RoSsiBoy44: hahhahah
AccessToArasaka: i'm the MAN!
i can now die with a feeling of accomplishment and world-wide importance!! |
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| 01:51am 04/09/2004 |
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AccessToArasaka: i'm not too sure about this song anymore, batman!!!
AccessToArasaka: why do i do this every time?
kingbuzzo3: because you are a true artist not content with the same old garbage
AccessToArasaka: but then why do i keep producing the same old garbage??
kingbuzzo3: i don't think you do
kingbuzzo3: i think you just gotta move faster in my opinion
kingbuzzo3: worry less about mastering more about the feel
kingbuzzo3: cause i have the same problem
AccessToArasaka: i don't like it one bit!
kingbuzzo3: i don't like not spooning you
AccessToArasaka: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
AccessToArasaka: fucking best thing i've ever heard
kingbuzzo3: it's the truth baby
kingbuzzo3: bring me your breast
gayness makes the world go round. |
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| 11:31pm 25/08/2004 |
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why is it that everyone feels compelled to fuck me over? you know, for someone with so much "good karma", a lot of fucked up shit keeps happening to me!
where do i start now? i already wrote about evoke. plus i'm concerned that they're not gonna want me to do their website afterall, blah blah blah. whatever, fuck it.
apollo productions : the record store that Al's starting, that i was supposed to do the site for and work at : for the longest time, i didn't hear from him, after leaving a message on his voice mail about the fact that i had a site for him. i talked to mark today and asked him if Al has talked to him at all about the record store, and he replied "yeah, tons." so i said "alright, so i guess i'm pretty much out of that now?" and he says "well, everything's taken care of, if that's what you mean." so they pretty much just cut me out without even saying so.
roots : haven't called me back so many times, and this was the last one. i was waiting on a call from tony about all this stuff i needed before i could do anything else for them : never came. fuck that.
a monster-free tokyo : still haven't contacted me about a site, most likely not gonna have me do it.
looking glass self : still haven't fucking paid me, after ALMOST A YEAR.
seriously, how is it possible to not give up after all of this shit? "oh, it's just bad luck." "oh, it'll turn itself around." "business is ups and downs, blah blah blah." whatever, you try putting everything on the line to make something work and have it fail miserably because everyone on earth lies, cheats, steals, and are fake ass motherfucking cocksuckers that wouldn't save your life unless they'd somehow gain something from it. out of everyone i've ever met in my life, i'd say about 13 are true, and they're the only one's i would do anything for at this point in time.
so my message to everyone who has ever fucked me over :
thanks a lot, you fucking cunts, because you're the reasons why i hate myself. |
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| 04:07pm 25/08/2004 |
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no job for me. evoke's not hiring, even though they just lost someone. back to zero. oh well.
warning to nicole : your boyfriend's gonna be pumping gas the rest of his life, even though no one does that anymore cuz everyone pumps their own gas.... hmmmm, okay... scratch that...
anybody looking to hire a hitman?? |
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| 03:30am 25/08/2004 |
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fuck, dude, i'm nostalgic again. i was looking for one file and found those mike things a couple other forgotten videos. fuck fuck fuck. going back won't change it, though, that was freshman year only. people have changed, people have moved. it sucks, but that's how it is. i miss our late-night bullshit. i miss the ramen-a-thons. i miss jim falling asleep while i spun nasty jungle beats. i miss people from other floors coming into our room to hang out because of how cool it was. i miss laughing at ted for hitting on the RA. i miss absolutely every good time we had. and that was it. just one year of it. no apartment complex will ever be like that. i know i forget the bad times when this happens, but still. it's depressing. to those of you contemplating not going to college, just go : it is an amazing experience, and one you will remember all your life. at times i miss it, at times i get mad for leaving. other times it's the exact opposite. whatever, fuck it, i'm rambling and tired and depressed as usual, so don't listen to me. blah blah blah, bitch bitch bitch.
i need a fucking job. |
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| 03:12am 25/08/2004 |
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haven't had a nostalgic entry in quite some time. time for mike's drunkery, in a recording from one random night. he used to take one word, and then relate it to another word, and so on and so forth. quite entertaining :
Me : Aluminum foil.
Mike : Foil. Foil, you use foils in fencing... and... like... dog jumping over the fence. And dog jumping over the moon. and-and.. I... he mooned someone. Like... he showed them the ass. Like, what the ass are you talking about? About. Aboot. Canadians say aboot. You're oot and aboot. eh? A, B, C. You see that Canadian guy over there? Fuck that shit! Like, fuck. FUCK!!...............
Me : Are you done?
Mike : Yeah...
*both laugh*
listen to this masterpiece here. |
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